Meowth and Valtor's Radical Road Trip to Las Vegas
by Ultimate Bohab
Summary: In this long awaited sequel to Valtor's Magical Weed Adventure, the Top Cat and the Weed Wizard team up for the biggest score of their lives. The stakes are high, but so are they.
1. Weed Hard 2: Weed Harder

Valtor was so goddamn high he couldn't even believe it, everything was totally groovy and the marijuana was endless. It seemed like the absolute most perfect way to spend a weekend on Earth, specifically in Miami Florida. But all was not as peachy keen as the wizard believed, because he was out of money and the cops were on his trail. He needed to make some cash, and get rid of all the drugs he was hiding in his apartment.

"I could probably sell this weed and the cocaine I have under my mattress for some big bucks, but I also need to get out of Florida." the wizard mused. "If only I had a car that I could use to drive somewhere."

Then the door burst open, causing Valtor to hastily throw himself on top of his hash in a vain attempt to conceal it. "I HAVE A MEDICAL PERSCRIPTION I SWEAR" the wizard shouted.

"Calm down, I'm not with da police," said the cat that walked through his doorway. He stood upright and had a golden charm on his head.

"Da name's Meowth, and my sources told me you got a huge stash of drugs." he said in his New Jersey accent. "Well I got a convertible oldsmobile and a contact in Las Vegas who wants to buy a shitload of cocaine and weed. You in?"

"I don't know, don't you usually work with those two lesbian chicks in Team Rocket?" the wizard scratched his head, wondering if the Pokemon in front of him was a hallucination.

"One, James is a dude, and two, dose numskulls mess up all of my plans! So I left them somewhere in Alabama." the cat replied.

"Wait, which one is James?"

"Nevermind. Get da stuff and get in da car, we're goin' on a roadtrip!" Meowth said, running out the door with Valtor in tow, who was carrying the drugs in his arms. If anybody saw them right now they would be immediately busted, but the wizard was too high to realize that at the moment.

Meowth jumped in the driver's seat of the oldsmobile while Valtor shambled into the passenger's seat, throwing all the drugs in the back. The duo was immediately spotted by a policeman, who rushed to apprehend them.

"Stop right there, cats can't drive cars!" the cop shouted. "Also there's a fuckton of illegal substances in the back of your vehicle!"

"Fuck, it's da popo! I can't do another nickel!" Meowth said, slamming on the gas pedal and speeding away while haphazardly firing a pistol into the air.

Fortunately for the criminal duo, the policeman chasing them was on foot and also out of shape, so they got away easily. However, it would now be a lot tougher for them to escape from Florida, since he put a call in for all available units to watch out for a weird cat and a gay wizard.

"Hey you're a wizard right? Why don't you do an illusion spell or somethin' to disguise us?" Meowth asked his companion.

"Ooh, good idea," Valtor replied, casting the spell. "The police won't even think about stopping us now that I've cleverly disguised us as Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler, two of history's most cherished heroes."

Meowth stared incredulously at the weed wizard. "Dat... is da most brilliant idea ever! Who doesn't love good ol' Hitler?"

Unfortunately they were about to find out, as the Pokemon made a dangerously wrong turn into the Jewish section of the neighborhood. Dozens of cap wearing Yiddish folk popped out of the alleys and gutters with guns in their hands and began to fire at the oldsmobile.

"Looks like Team Weed needs to blast off again!" Valtor said, magically creating rocket boosters on the car.

"Meowth, dat's reich!" Meowth said.

Eventually they were able to escape the enraged Jewish folk and made it out of Miami, where they dropped the incredibly insensitive disguises. Now all they needed to do was get out of Florida and make a beeline for Nevada and their final destination: scenic Las Vegas, home of the world's greatest Elvis impersonator population.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Not a Single Lynyrd Skynyrd Reference

Valtor wasn't quite sure how he had ended up in a car with a talking cat and a metric buttload of drugs, but he was pretty sure it had something to do with all that weed he smoked. And the weed he was currently smoking.

"Dat's moichandise, moron!" Meowth said, more Jersey than ever. "You can't smoke it AND sell it!"

Valtor looked his partner in crime dead in the eye and took a long, slow drag on his joint. "I do what I want because I'm a motherfucking wizard, and you're a goddamn cat with an inexplicable Northeastern accent. Where the hell were you raised, Poke-Trenton?"

"Hollywood, actually," Meowth replied.

"Why on earth would you have a New Jersey accent if you grew up in fucking California? Wait, let me back up a little, HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TALK IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU'RE A GODDAMN POKEMON"

Meowth rolled his eyes. "Listen, they did a whole flashback episode on all dat shit, go watch it if ya really wanna know. And if you're so worried about logic, what about da fact dat you're still alive even though you clearly died in da last chapter of your magical weed adventure?"

"Oh, that's easy." the wizard laughed. "I had a contingency plan the whole time. You see, I cloned myself as an empty shell so that my soul could transfer to the new body if the original was ever destroyed. Hell, I have an entire abandoned warehouse full of soulless Valtor bodies. It really was a lot of trouble to go through for a hamburger though."

"How is it you got so much magic power and you never just conjured yourself a boigah?" the cat questioned.

"A what?"

"A boigah! Da thing you wanted so bad?"

"I've never heard of this 'boy-gar', is it a new type of weed?"

"No ya dumb idiot, a boigah! We was just talkin' about it! It's a food!"

"Oh, you mean a BURGER. BUR-GER. Yes, I do love HAM-BUR-GERS. Especially the ones from BUR-GER King, sans pickles."

"You're very smug right now, aren't you?"

"Incredibly. Speaking of food, I got the munchies. We need to stop at a fast food place, pronto." Valtor said, putting a gloved hand on his rumbling stomach.

"Well we're about to enter Alabama, so we could go to a Chik-Fil-A or somethin'." Meowth suggested.

The wizard agreed, and immediately began their search for a Chik-Fil-A once they crossed the state line. To their good fortune, there was one only a few miles from the 'Welcome to Alabama' sign. Thank god for convenient plot devices and lazy writing, or else nobody would get anywhere in this stupid story. They pulled up in the parking lot only for Meowth to recognize a familiar figure being thrown out of the restaurant.

"Sorry pal, we don't serve gays here!" the Chik-Fil-A employee said harshly.

"But that's discrimination!" James from Team Rocket replied, hurt.

"Sure it is, this is Alabama! We're all about discriminating. You're just lucky you're not gay AND black."

"Well I didn't want one of your crummy sandwiches anyways, so there!" James said, stomping off.

"Hey Jimmy, over here!" Meowth called. Upon hearing the familiar voice, the disgruntled Team Rocket employee ran over to the cat's oldsmobile.

"Meowth, you came back! I thought you'd left me and Jessie for good!" James said, overjoyed at the presence of his feline companion. "By the way, who is that in the car with you? Did you... replace me with another campy sidekick?" his lower lip quivered.

"Of course not," Meowth replied. "Valtor is just a temporary business partner, fruitiness nonwithstandin'. We was headed to Vegas to sell a buncha drugs, which I wanted to do WITHOUT you and Jessie interferin', but I guess I got no choice. Get in da car, let's go find Jessie."

James complied immediately, hopping in the backseat. "Say, this Valtor fellow doesn't speak much." he noticed. Then the wizard fell over, revealing that it was actually just an elaborate mannequin.

"WHAT DA HELL IS DIS, WHERE'S DA REAL WIZARD" Meowth shouted, totally surprised.

Then the two Team Rocket members looked in the window of the Chik-Fil-A, where the aformentioned wizard was getting the shit kicked out of him by a couple of fat southern policemen.

"Oh." the cat said.

"Should we go help him?" James asked.

"Nah, he's a magic man, let him deal wit dis one. By the way, are you really gay? I'd always assumed, but I never really-"

"Of course I am you little furball, it's a miracle 4Kids even let me on TV. WEEUUHuohohohoho!" James laughed. Meowth lit up a joint.


	3. Fuck Da Police

"Holy SHIT Valtor, ya didn't have ta shoot 'em!" Meowth said as he floored the oldsmobile in an attempt to get away from the scene of the crime as quickly as possible. Inside the Chik-Fil-A were the bloody bodies of two cops, their corpses pumped full of lead.

"It was in self defense, I was being assaulted! Police brutality!" Valtor retorted, checking his face in the car mirror. He had a bloody nose and a black eye, but no permanent damage.

"Yeah, but couldn't ya have just disabled 'em with a spell or somethin'? Now we're wanted in TWO states, and dis time da crime is way worse! Dis time we're wanted for moider!"

"You mean murder." James said.

"Dat's what I said! Moider!" Meowth replied.

"Never mind..." James sighed. "Anyways, let's go find Jessie. I think she was working as a waitress at Hooters last time I saw her."

"Dat's funny, why didn't you two stick together?" Meowth asked, puzzled.

"Oh we tried, but they wouldn't hire me as a waitress too." James pouted. "And I looked better in the skirt than she did!"

Ignoring that comment, Meowth drove all over the town looking for Hooters until he finally found it. On the way he accidentally ran over acclaimed independent film maker Michael Moore, who is famous for documentaries such as Fahrenheit 9/11 and Bowling for Columbine. All of Alabama would soon celebrate his death.

Jessie noticed the oldsmobile pull up as she was serving two customers their chicken wings. Seeing both Meowth and James in the car delighted her to the extent that she couldn't resist ripping off her clothes, revealing the Team Rocket uniform underneath. She then shoved the chicken wings into the customer's mouths and jumped through the window pane.

"PREPARE FOR TROUBLE" Jessie shouted.

"AND MAKE IT DOUBLE DOUBLE" James continued, with Valtor chiming in as well.

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To give people weed from every nation!"

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To get as high as the stars above!"

"Jessie!"

"James!"

"And Valtor too!"

"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"

"I have a joint I'm gonna light!"

"Meeeeowth, dat's right!"

The Team Rocket trio laughed uproariously, overjoyed at the reunion. Valtor laughed too, because he was high as fuck.

"Say, what's with all the drugs?" Jessie questioned as she got into the car.

"No time to explain! Da popo is onto us!" Meowth replied, gunning towards the Alabama/Mississipi border. "We can relax once we get ta Mississipi, we aren't wanted in dat state. Yet." he glared at Valtor.

"What? So killed a couple cops, that only warrants a two star rating on the Grand Theft Auto scale." the wizard said.

"Speaking of cops, I think we're in a police chase now!" James whimpered, pointing at the police cars rapidly closing in on them.

"Don't worry, I got this one." Valtor said, readying a magic spell.

"Hold da fuck up ya stupid wizard, you're not gonna kill 'em are ya?" Meowth questioned.

"Of course not!" Valtor replied, shooting a fireball from his hand. The cars pursuing them promptly had their engines explode, causing them to spin out and catch on fire, culminating in an ugly crash.

"WHAT DA HELL DID I JUST SAY" Meowth shouted.

"Look, I'm sure they're only maimed. Crippled, even, but not dead." the wizard said nonchalantly.

"I've been thinking, shouldn't this story be called Team Rocket and Valtor's Radical Road Trip to Las Vegas, considering how we're in it now too?" Jessie asked. "I demand some recognition in the title, or at least the description!"

"Nah, da two of yous are probably gonna blast off next chapter anyways." Meowth said.

"Yeah, there's really not much to do with you guys until we actually get to Vegas, so you're secondary characters at best." Valtor added.

"I want a donut!" James whined.


	4. And Another For Jessie and the Wimp

"MISSISSIPPI QUEEN, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN" Valtor sang along with the radio as they entered Mississippi. As to be expected in this fanfiction, he was high as balls. In fact, everyone was high. Don't act surprised, you knew they'd be high when you started reading this chapter. Speaking of which, why the fuck are you on the 4th chapter of this stupid story? Don't you have something better to do with your life than read about cartoon characters getting stoned on a road trip? Oh, I'm sorry, am I breaking the fourth wall and interrupting your precious crack fic? Whoops, looks like I'm typing in first person now and breaking several basic writing principals. This tangent probably doesn't amuse you either. Well too fucking bad. You knew what you were getting into when you started reading something written by ME of all people, the guy who's spent hours upon hours typing about piss wizards and evil Burger King management. The mere fact that you'd trust my writing skills is a testament to your colossal ignorance, and if that insults you, I DO NOT GIVE ONE SINGLE OUNCE OF SHIT. Did that hurt your feelings? WELCOME TO MY WORLD, BITCH. YOUR FEELINGS ARE WORTHLESS HERE, JUST LIKE THE FRENCH DOLLAR. I CAN WRITE WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT, BECAUSE THIS IS MY STORY. THIS WALL OF TEXT IS A TESTAMENT TO MY ABSOLUTE POWER IN THIS REALM, AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN SUCK MY CHOCOLATE SALTY BALLS-

* * *

"We apologize for da technical difficulties." Meowth said, looking directly at the reader of this story. "Dis fanfiction will now proceed as normal, however 'normal' fits within da context of dis fanfic. Da previous writer has been sacked, and replaced by several well trained Mexican alpacas."

"Who are you talking to, Meowth?" James asked from the backseat.

"I'm talkin' ta god, Jim. Talkin' ta god," the cat replied cryptically. James suddenly felt very confused and uncomfortable.

"How much longer until the next plot point? I'm getting bored of just sitting in the car with all this weed." Jessie said, yawning.

"If my estimations are right, the next significant event will happen right..." Valtor paused. They drove by several old shacks, some trees, and a lynching. It is Mississippi after all. Then some tumbleweed rolled by. The wizard's mouth remained open as he didn't finish his sentence. Then Meowth suddenly hit the brakes.

"...now." Valtor concluded.

In the middle of the road stood a ten year old boy that was clearly older than that, and had also been on tv for around seventeen years. A yellow electric rodent perched on his shoulder.

"Stop right there Team Rocket!" Ash Ketchum said, pointing at the car. His voice sounded like a twenty five year old chain smoker.

"What da hell? We's da ones that are supposed ta try and catch you!" Meowth exclaimed.

"Not anymore, now I'm a cop!" the Pokemon trainer said proudly, showing off his Mississippi state police badge.

"Okay, let's get this over with..." Jessie and James sighed, stepping out of the vehicle. They halfheartedly sent out Arbok and Weezing to battle, but they knew what the outcome would be.

"Pikachu, they're resisting arrest! Tase them!" Ash ordered. The Pokemon complied, electrocuting the criminals with a Thunderbolt attack.

"POLICE BRUTALITY" Valtor shouted, pointing at the scene.

Pikachu's attack culminated in an explosion, sending Team Rocket (sans Meowth) flying into the sky.

"LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAIN" they cried, disappearing with a twinkle.

"Whaddaya know, I was right." Meowth said. "And it feels good to not get blasted off with 'em!"

"So what are you going to do about that kid in the road with the yellow rat?" Valtor asked.

"Simple," the cat replied, slamming down on the gas pedal and running over Ash and Pikachu, leaving their smeared corpses as roadkill on the Mississippi asphalt. Then the duo continued on, their sights still set on Las Vegas.


End file.
